Note to reader: after careful consideration, I have chosen to share the details of my miscarriage here on the blog. While I don't expect everyone to want to read this, perhaps someone someday who is going through this same situation will stumble upon this and it will help them. Also, this happened, I documented it, and I don't want to pretend like it never occurred. Therefore, it will stay. This post contains graphic details and would probably best be skipped over if you have no desire to read about how this tragic event happened. (edit: July 2013)
I was right when I thought yesterday that the worst was yet to come. Last night after finishing the last post, I soon after went to bed. Just after I got into bed, the cramps really picked up in intensity. I told Erik it could be a bad night, and he said he was prepared to be there with me through it. Knowing that there was nothing that could be done to stop the miscarriage and wanting it to be over as soon as possible, I attempted to naturally help things move along by drinking several cups of Red Raspberry Leaf tea throughout the day, as it is known to stimulate uterine contractions. I laid in bed and tried to relax to take my mind off the pain. Somehow they must have subsided long enough for me to fall asleep. This was shortly before midnight. The next thing I remember was rolling around in bed trying to figure out what was happening in my stomach. I looked at the clock, 1:59am. The pain was way more intense than I had ever felt. I went and sat on the toilet and a large amount of blood came gushing out. The pain was all across the lowest part of my abdomen. I knew this was the mini-labor that the nurse had warned me about. Even though I spent hours yesterday reading about how this could happen, I suddenly felt so unprepared. I had no idea what to do and found myself going between sitting on the toilet and kneeling or squatting on the bathroom floor rocking back and forth across a pile of bath towels. I was trying to remember how real contractions were timed, even though this wasn't a true "labor." They were lasting what I estimate to be 3-4 minutes each, but between the waves of pain it never completely subsided like I thought a real contraction would. It went from intense to moderate cramping, which at the time felt like a nice break. There was no regularity in the timing, they seemed to come completely randomly, spaced out at different intervals. I really do hate the 1-10 pain scale I am forced to use as a nurse (and I don't know what kind of jacked-up pain scale my patients are using when they tell me between the bites of their dinner they are scarfing down that their pain is definitely a 10, because to me a 10 is someone cutting off my leg without anesthesia) but for lack of a better description I was somewhere around a 4-5 between the waves of pain and creeping up in the neighborhood of 8 during the worst ones. I remember thinking to myself several times during the worst pain that if this is anything what true labor was like I wasn't sure I could handle an unmedicated childbirth. Then again, hopefully when that time comes I won't be lying by myself on the cold bathroom floor in the middle of the night. I can see how important it is to have support people around you during labor and now I am even more serious about having a doula... Anyway... I thought about waking Erik up a few times (and frankly I am surprised he didn't wake up with all my moaning and moving around the bathroom) but I decided there was really nothing he could do for me even if he got up. I thought several times about the muscle relaxers in the medicine cabinet just a few feet away leftover from my back injury last September, but knew that while they would relieve the pain, they would also stop the contractions, which was what my body needed to do to empty my uterus completely. Wanting desperately to avoid medication/D&C/medical intervention I opted to leave the drugs where they were. I thought about filling up the bathtub with hot water but not being able to remember the last time I scrubbed it out, I opted to stay away from a potentially germ-filled tub which could cause an infection. Then I remembered that a heating pad usually helps with my menstrual cramps. I got myself together enough to get my rice pillow from my closet and made my way to the kitchen to microwave it. I couldn't believe how much it helped. Within just a minute or two the pain subsided to mild cramping which felt like a glorious vacation. I was actually able then to lay on my back with the heating pad on my abdomen, close my eyes for a few minutes, and breathe normally. For about 20-30 minutes I rested before the intense pain picked up again. Back and forth from floor to toilet again, it felt like I wanted to push something out but nothing was coming. I was waiting to pass the baby but as far as I could tell it never came out. I never really looked closely at what was coming out of me as I sat on the toilet but I suppose the initial gush of blood could have contained what I had been looking for. It was pretty dark in the bathroom and I was in no shape to be examining the bloody mess. I became nauseated several times because of the pain and somehow thought to press on the acupressure points on my wrists which actually helped a lot and I never actually threw up. The rest of the whole thing is kind of foggy in my mind, I was exhausted after only sleeping for two hours and wanted nothing more than to get back in bed and just go to sleep. I made it downstairs one more time, heated up the rice pillow as hot as my skin could handle it, got into bed and put it across my belly. I think that was around 3:40am or so. I think I fell asleep soon after that but at some point rolled onto my stomach which caused a horrible pain that woke me up immediately. I don't remember much after that but I guess I fell back asleep. My alarm went off at 7am and I knew there was no way I was going to work in an hour. At this time I only had some mild cramping so I just laid there until Erik came up to get dressed and kiss my goodbye. I called into work and told my manager that I was sick, even though I think she knows from my co-worker what was going on. I really didn't want to get into it at that moment.
Emotionally and physically today I feel completely drained. I am not as tearful as yesterday but instead feel very empty inside and somewhat "checked out." I would love to just sleep for a month and wake up feeling better with this all behind us. Something about putting this story down in print is helping me realize that this is happening and this is the way it is. As much as I want to, I can't change a single thing about it...
With any given pregnancy there is a 20% chance that it will end in a loss. One in four women miscarry during their first pregnancy. If my story can help just one person (I guess even just myself) then it was worth putting it out there. I read a lot of forums yesterday where women described their miscarriage experience. Some helped, some didn't. Everyone's story is different. This was my experience. I hope and pray this is the only time I ever have to go through this. That being said, I would take that physical pain every single day until the baby came if I could have just kept it growing inside me. It hurt so much less than the agonizing emotional pain that came before and after. And on a side note, I think instead of me doubting my ability to carry on through a natural labor, I feel just a little more ready for what it will be like. Granted, this was a much shorter and undoubtedly less intense "labor" than the real thing, but I still did it. On my own. In the middle of the night. On the cold bathroom floor with nothing for pain besides a heating pad. And I think, when the time comes for the real thing, with Erik by my side, I can do it again.
No comments:
Post a Comment