life with two: a B family update

I started this post when Oliver was just five weeks old and never really made it around to finishing it.  So I am going to keep what I wrote then but also add in updates about where we are currently.  Oliver is now a little over three months old.  Also, this is a really, unintentionally long post.  More of a journal for my own records.  If you don't want to read the whole thing just know this - all is well three months in as a family of four.

at 5 weeks:  Oliver just turned five weeks yesterday and only in the last few days do I feel like we have developed any kind of routine or flow to life with a toddler and newborn.  Overall, I would say that things have been going far better than I expected they would with two young kids.  Oliver is a really sweet little baby and doing the whole newborn thing again feels way easier the second time around.  Personality and schedule-wise Arlo and Oliver are actually really quite similar - I attribute the ease of this time around to having the experience and knowledge from Arlo's newborn days.  With Arlo everything felt like such a big deal and it was a huge life adjustment to become parents.  Knowing what to expect with a new baby, and having the toolkit to deal with things like evening fussiness and feeding challenges have made a world of difference.  Also knowing that everything is "just a phase" that will soon be outgrown, has made it pretty easy to shrug it off in those moments of difficulty.  That being said, now that we have a newborn and a toddler to care for, there are new challenges being presented that we have had to figure out as we go.  

at 3 months:  I still feel the same as I did two months ago.  The adjustment to two went way better than I had expected.  That being said, I had pretty low expectations, ha.  At this age when Arlo was a baby we were still struggling to even leave the house.  I was pumping around the clock.  We had ongoing issues with reflux and diaper rash and I was having a pretty rough time with it all.  At this age with Oliver we are getting out of the house every morning for the most part.  Being home all day with two kids is a recipe for a stressed out mama, restless toddler, crabby baby, and a very messy house.  This being said, the hardest part of the day is usually trying to get out of the house.  Before we leave it's quite the production to gather the essentials for a morning out - diapers, bottles, clothes, weather appropriate gear for all of us, snacks and a drink for the toddler, and a snack and drink for myself.  Everyone needs to have on actual clothes and not be covered in spit-up or marker.  And even as much as Arlo wants to go our someplace fun, it can be a challenge some days to get him to agree to engage in all the necessary actions it takes to be socially presentable.  I'm not saying we have to look good, but if he arrives someplace barefoot wearing just a hat and underwear people are going to take notice.  However, I have developed my own "operation: exit the house" routine over the past two months and the whole process has grown so much easier.  Sometimes arriving home with everyone hungry (and needing the potty and not wanting to take off those shoes I tried so hard to get him to wear and telling me that he doesn't need to wash his hands because he "already washed his hands this morning" as I try and coax him into the bathroom) all at the same time while I still need to fix lunch has me like "ok. woah. what do I tackle here first." 

Arlo

at 5 weeks:  We are lucky enough to have had our awesome friends Rhianna and John take care of Arlo the first couple of days after we brought Oliver home.  And let me tell you, it was a lifesaver.  Erik and I spent that time getting to know our new little guy and were instantly reminded how it feels to wake up multiple times in the night (and also how much newborns sleep too!)  Once Arlo came home he immediately assumed his big brother role and is still doing awesome in it.  I had anticipated a lot of jealousy because Arlo has always been so attached to me, but I have been pleasantly surprised how okay he seems with me spending so much time caring for Oliver.  I think what has helped the most with the transition is trying to include Arlo in anything we can that is baby-related, and he feels really proud being able to help so much.  And honestly, he is a great helper.  He is happy to bring us fresh diapers, wipes, burp cloths, and take dirty diapers to the diaper pail.  I always let him help me with Oliver's baths, extremely supervised of course, and Arlo loves it.  When Oliver cries, Arlo will usually tell me "mom, baby crying!!" (as if I can't hear it myself, ha) and will either put a pacifier in his mouth or rock him if he's sitting in the car seat or rock and play.  When Oliver does tummy time, Arlo will grab a pillow and lay next to Oliver telling me that he also needs to do his tummy time as well!  Now of course there have also been the times when Oliver was sleeping and Arlo tried to manually open his eyes telling me that "baby needs to wake up" or when he forcefully tries to open Oliver's closed fists so they can "hold hands" but we are working on these things and so far Oliver hasn't seen too much older brother abuse.  Don't your worry though kid, I'm sure you two will be fighting and wrestling with each other before we know it.

So, that's the good.  As somewhat unfortunate timing, Arlo has also recently decided to really step up his toddler game.  I can't figure out if this is a direct result of having a new baby in the family or if developmentally he is just at a point where this would have emerged anyway, but let me tell you this kid has been the definition of defiant lately.  We have been dealing with everything from nap refusal to food throwing to yelling to toy throwing across the room.  Sheesh.  It's such a departure from his usual kind and gentle behavior so it's been a bit of a challenge to figure out exactly the best way to handle it when it happens.  And it's not all the time, he is still his sweet self for most of the day.  But for whatever reason a switch will flip on periodically and this wild, non-compliant, I-am-going-to-test-every-limit-I-can child emerges.  And it's these times that have been the hardest times in the last month or so.  In the last week though, we have started to get out most mornings and head to either the library, community center, or park so Arlo can burn off some energy which I think has definitely helped his behavior.  And two weeks ago he also started going to the babysitters house one day a week which gives him a busy day of social time with his little friends, and also gives mama a break and some alone time with the baby.  So now that we are settling into more of a routine and giving Arlo the physical and intellectual stimulation he needs, hopefully he will settle down a bit.  And if not, there's always bribery!

at three months:  I am happy and extremely relieved to say that the defiant phase Arlo went though was short lived, whew!  Once we got back into our usual routine of getting out every morning, meeting up with friends, and allowing him to engage in activities that burn up all that toddler energy he has, he quickly returned to his usual sweet natured self.  He has continued to be an awesome big brother and has more than exceeded the expectations I had for him.  I kept waiting for the jealousy to start as he has always been a mamas boy but with the arrival of the new family member brought a new Arlo too, a bit more grown-up and less needy.  He still wants hugs and cuddles often but never seems to mind if he's sharing my lap with his little brother, and my heart is so full in those moments of holding them both so close...  This being said he's still a two-year-old and there are certainly plenty of moments of difficulty.  We have just returned back to the usual level of toddler limit testing.

Oliver

 

at 5 weeks:  I am totally smitten with this boy.  He is so stinking sweet and I seriously just want to spend the day staring at his round face and bald little head!  I always secretly wondered how I could possibly love another kid as much as I love Arlo, but this little guy came along and instantly I realized that what they say is true - the love for your kids does not divide but instead multiplies.  I could write an entire paragraph about how much I love this little chunkster (his official nickname) but let me start at the beginning with his first few days at home...  Before we even left the birthing center with Oliver, it was determined he had an anterior and posterior tongue tie as well as a lip tie.  This is the same problem Arlo had that we believe was the cause of all my pain and our feeding difficulties last time around.  We had the midwife correct the tongue tie before we even came home, and even stayed over 12 hours after the birth so we could work extensively with two lactation consultants to get the very best possible start with breastfeeding that we could.  Unfortunately Oliver did not have a very good "suck" and everyone who assessed him said that something was not right.  Likely it was due to the tongue restriction he had in utero and the habits his mouth developed before he was even born.  I noticed pain from the very first feeding and even with trying everything the LC's recommended, I was still having intense pain every time he nursed.  When we arrived home that evening, Oliver had about an hour of wanting to nurse constantly, and by the time he was done I was in so much pain the thought of nursing him again nearly brought me to tears.  I decided to go straight to exclusive pumping - we had been though this before and I knew that it was the next logical step.  I didn't want to get to the point of so much pain that pumping would be impossible.  I was proud of myself for being so prepared, just the week prior I had washed all the pump parts and bottles, and had everything assembled and ready to go.  I had Erik get my pump out and he was like "what do I do with this thing?" and I said "hand it to me and plug it in, it's ready to go."  Which was a lifesaver when you are trying to pump colostrum for your crying baby at midnight when you are coming up on nearly 24 hours of zero sleep!  Unfortunately I also ended up with the same supply issues as before, which resulted in needing to supplement with formula (something I also already had on hand - more on what we are using in a later post) and have also since acquired a nice supply of donor milk that he is still receiving daily. 

So, overall we basically had the exact same feeding problems as last time, but this time it's felt a whole lot easier to process.  I anticipated a repeat experience and could not have been more prepared for it.  That being said, there are still the feelings of disappointment and sadness that we were again unsuccessful at breastfeeding.  But, clearly Oliver is growing and the pediatrician said he couldn't be any healthier so I am trying to focus on how lucky we are to have this strong and healthy sweet guy in our lives and not dwell on the things that I can't change.

Ok.  Moving on.

Personality-wise, Oliver is a pretty laid back little guy.  He isn't bothered by loud noises like Arlo has always been, but this could be due to the fact that we always sheltered Arlo from loud noises (shhh, don't wake the baby!) and this time around there's just no avoiding it.  Toddlers are loud, Lucy barks at her own shadow these days, and if we don't vacuum when we get a free minute it would never get done.  And so far he sleeps through all of that even being in the same room as whatever loud activity we are engaging in.

at 3 months:  Pretty much unchanged from above.  And yes, I'm still completely obsessed with this little chunk.  Oliver is the smiliest (is that a real word?) baby I have ever met.  Really,  he smiles and laughs at pretty much anyone and anything.  He has a laid back personality, but when he's feeling the teething pains look out.  Arlo really struggled with teething so this isn't new territory but still doesn't make watching our sweet boy in pain any easier.  Still, things feel a lot easier than they did when Arlo was at this age and Oliver feels pretty low maintenance as far as babies go.  He is totally content just hanging out in his swing, pack and play, or play gym for long periods of time which is new territory for us.
 

During his pregnancy, I was so worried that life would change drastically and I would have a hard time adjusting and was terrified about having an awful post-partum experience again.  Fortunately, none of that ended up happening.  Oliver has fit perfectly in to this little space in our family where I didn't even know something was missing.  

 

 

 

Me 

at 5 weeks:  I finished pumping this past weekend, we had made it to our goal of a month and the round the clock pumping was becoming a huge stress especially when I was home alone with both kids.  There were times everyday where Arlo needed something (lunch, nap, potty help, etc.) and Oliver was crying and hungry and I was already late to sit down and pump.  These times were so stressful that it's not surprising how quickly my supply was dropping at the end.  As well, pumping was making it nearly impossible for us to get out of the house especially when I was trying to do it alone.  The time it took to pump, bottle feed Oliver, and get all the stuff I needed for an outing with both kids took so long by the time we were ready to leave it was time for me to pump again.  I again feel like I did everything I could to make it work - pumped over three hours a day total in those first couple weeks, took fenugreek and special vitamins, ate oats in every possible form that I could, and still my supply kept dropping.  The pain I was in combined with the time it was taking away from me being able to spend with and care for the kids as well as my decreasing supply made it somewhat of an easy decision to be done with pumping when I did.  I am still having pain and sensitivity but it is definitely starting to improve and it's a huge relief not to have the stress of worrying about how and when I will find the time in the day to pump.

Emotionally, I am feeling better than I expected.  The sleep deprivation in the early weeks combined with all the post-partum hormones was a challenge, and there were a few days that I nearly completely lost my shit.  Thankfully, I had a good support system in place and made it through okay.  Had I known how quickly things would start to seem "easier," I probably would have done a lot better in those early weeks.  But it was hard in the beginning to know what things would look like a month or two in.  Now that Oliver is sleeping well at night and I am feeling well-rested myself, and we have a schedule that allows us to get out each morning to meet with friends or let Arlo get some exercise, life seems almost back to normal.  We just now have a cute little chubby baby who comes along for the ride!

Physically, recovery this time around seemed much easier.  The first week or so was rough and tylenol and ibuprofen were my best friends, but once I started feeling better the pain quickly resolved and aside from the breast pain I felt back to normal.  I took it really easy for the first couple of weeks and was lucky to have had a lot of help from Erik and my parents.  When my parents left, our doula stared coming twice a week, and she has been amazing.  In the early days she would encourage me to rest while she was over, bringing me meals and drinks as I needed.  She also cared for Arlo, had laundry going the whole time she was at our house, tidied the kitchen and downstairs, and started dinner prep.  She is still coming once or twice a week and while I need much less help these days, it's still wonderful to have an extra set of hands to help care for the kids and do the household chores.  I usually spend an hour or so now during her visits taking a long shower and doing thing I wouldn't otherwise get to do but make me feel human - like taking time to shave my legs and actually blow dry my hair!

at 3 months:  The post-partum experience this time around was almost completely the opposite of the first time.  Yes, there are been the challenging "how am I going to get through this day" times but those have thankfully been few and far between.  For the first time, I am actually enjoying this baby stage.  I know I can't go back and do it all over again, but if I could I would have told myself in that first year of motherhood to not be so hard on myself.  Part of what made that time so hard was the post-partum mood issues I struggled with, but I was also trying to hard to do everything perfectly and exactly has I had planned I would during the pregnancy.  And now having done it both ways -- driving myself to near insanity to try and be a "perfect mom" who is also stressed out and unhappy, to this time giving myself a pass when things don't work out as planned and then moving on with a new plan and feeling good about myself and my decision, I will unquestionably choose the latter.  I believe my happiness is as important for my kids and my family as it is for myself.  And who wants to go through life dwelling on the things that didn't work out? 

Another thing that I believe has helped make things so much easier this time around is knowing that some alone time for myself is not only important, but necessary, and I that I need to plan accordingly to make sure it happens.  I try and coordinate the boys' afternoon naps to coincide, and for the most part these days it usually works out and I have around one to two hours to myself everyday.  I didn't have to take too much of a break from my busy crafting schedule (ha) and I have realized that I really need this creative outlet to feel like myself.  Also, at two months post-partum I found myself wanting to get back into an exercise routine, and damn does it feel good.  I have always exercised in some form or another my entire adult life so taking a long hiatus from this is usually not good for my mental well-being (or my thighs, let's be honest.)  I resumed my Sunday morning yoga classes and as well have started running two to three days a week.  I haven't made running a priority since before Arlo was born, back when I used to run outdoors most days of the week, and it feels so good to have it back in my life.  I am thinking about eventually joining Erik's gym - insert groan here - while I happily spent up to 12 hours a week in the gym during my college years, I later found myself preferring a more organic form of working out and never looked back once I quit my membership.  The main reason for joining is the childcare they offer.  The kids can have fun in the tot room while I run, cycle, or take a yoga class, and the childcare is free.  I am still a little nervous about taking Oliver to group childcare though so I will probably wait another month or two before I join, if I do.  I will also eventually be going back to work so I will need to see how all that plays out.

And lastly, I have already been asked on multiple occasions if two is it for us, so let me just put this out there.  Naturally people want to know what's next and I have probably asked others the same along the way.  I will say that right now I am totally content with these two awesome kiddos we have been so blessed with.  If this is it for our family I will be completely happy and consider us to be two of the luckiest parents around.  I sometimes think about going back to school for my masters, Erik and I talk often about starting a small business or doing something different with our lives, as well we both have the desire to travel more.  Having another baby would delay some, if not all, of these things on our life list.  All this being said, I am still open to a third.  Erik is still in the camp where he's not ready to discuss it seriously yet, ha.  And I am also at a place where I feel like I have completely satisfied my desire to have biological children.  After Arlo was born we knew we would have at least one more and I very much looked forward to another pregnancy.  I never pictured myself in a place where I was okay with not being able to feel those baby kicks on the inside, or experience birth again, but here I am.  So, maybe two is it for us.  Maybe a third is in our future.  I think a lot of parents feel this way after two, so I know I am not alone in this indecisiveness.  We won't be making this decision anytime soon so the answer is still probably a couple of years away.  For now I am just enjoying these two sweet boys, taking life one day at a time, and trying to figure out the best way to convince my toddler to put on his shoes before we leave the house.